There have been a lot of changes in my world lately.
The first one and the big one was moving house. Which is internally approved of by pretty much everyone. The Cosmic Sage did good. Maybe there’s something in this whole praying-to-the-universal-energy business after all? I mean, I joke about it, but we did get everything she asked for. And that’s not easy in a housing market that discriminates against those on benefits.
Then there was ending with the psychologist and starting art psychotherapy. That wasn’t much fun, and this is where the choices come in. Because various professionals keep suggesting I see the psychologist again. I don’t think they grasp that the art therapy is real therapy and not just some “therapeutic” colouring in. I did see the psychologist once – or someone saw her – it was all make up and heels and cheeriness. Then I read the discharge letter she’d drafted, and got angry with how much she’d misunderstood. That was bleak. But not unfamiliar. Story of my time with her, really.
Then OT left (I wasn’t sorry), then Lovely CPN left (I was sorry), and now I have two new workers. New CPN seems intelligent and emotionally sensitive, but I am perturbed by her references to the “work” she wants to do with me. Compassion-focused bullshit, I gather. Will probably involve a “self-soothing box” at some point. Ick. So I’m withholding judgment. New OT happened to meet Sage one day and was very enthused by her “level of insight” and “strong sense of self” (ha!).
There was a meeting. I was mute and stared at the floor. New consultant told me that she’s leaving too. Lucky I don’t have abandonment issues, isn’t it?! So there’ll be a New New Consultant, and I’m slightly concerned that whoever it turns out to be won’t be quite so willing to give me ample quantities of drugs. That would be a bugger. The only other thing I came away with from the meeting was some waffle about “keeping doors open”. At this point your guess is as good as mine.
But the big difference in all this is that they’re all talking openly and upfront about DID, asking me questions about it, wanting to know about it. New consultant is going to make it official and put it in writing. I kind of need that, because I’m still playing games with deliberate blindness and denial.
And this is why I think that however much parts of me want to see the psychologist again, I should stick with the art therapist. Because she gets it far more than anyone else ever has. She’s the real deal. She notices what’s happening. She sees/feels it. And so many parts want to talk to her. If I could only let them. Because I’m still caught up in trying to stay in control – even though my life demonstrates to me over and over that I can’t – because I have such a fear that if I let all the crazy out I’ll end up in hospital again. I have a horror of it. I lie here on my sofa often, in my warm, quiet, safe house, and I just experience such gratitude that I am not locked up.
I am not locked up. And I never want to be locked up again.
And I can’t think of anything else important to say.