Good things. Bad things. Yet-to-be-decided things. Bit of a random assortment.
Cats first. Definitely a good thing. Waking up with Kit curled next to me, purring, is just – nice. Really nice. He’s turning out to be quite an affectionate little beast. Kaboodle remains wary and stand-offish, and recoils in horror when I try to touch her. I suspect she may always be a bit that way inclined, but I love the little noises she makes as she runs from room to room, a constant commentary of squeaks and chirrups.
And I can buy as many catnip mice as I like, but Kit’s favourite toys remain the paintbrushes he steals from the art room. There are paintbrushes everywhere! Perhaps he’s trying to tell me something? Start painting again Sage! Kaboodle seems to prefer crystals and shoes. She’s a New Age cat with fine taste in footwear.
And, through the cats, I seem to have a new friend. Which is good and scary all at the same time. You know, there’s all the old stuff, which my CPN calls my “cognitive biases” – just, why the fuck would anyone actually like me and want to spend time with me? I don’t understand! But I’m going with it, and accepting invitations.
My landlady came round. I had the house really clean and my essential oil diffuser on. She was pleased. She thanked me for taking care of the place, she said I was a good tenant. I currently feel like an enormous fraud, because everything is in a bit of a mess again, but I’m also determined to get it tidied up. It’s very important to me these days to keep my house clean. I lived in utter chaos and squalor for so long, and there was a huge amount of shame attached to that. A friend once yelled at me that I was DISGUSTING. The worst thing was that it was true.
Another thing that happened was that my new friend came round and as she was parking her car my neighbour was coming home and he commented on her parking – because of course he would, that’s what he’s like – but then he said I was “the quietest neighbour I’ve ever had”. And that was good, it was reassuring, because I have an ongoing anxiety that I am somehow too noisy and disturb everyone and they all hate me.
So those are things. Some not-so-good things are that my eating is getting decidedly out of control. There’s been a lot of throwing up lately, and I’m feeling a little desperate. Although I’ve told MH professionals about this before, several times, they don’t seem to have picked up on it as a problem. At least – they never offer me a chance to talk about it, and I’m too ashamed to bring it up again. Therapist guessed though, and she said it was fine to bring it to that space.
She also guessed about the drinking. Which I probably ought to address. Just not today. But I’m getting embarrassed about the amount of alcohol I’m buying from the shop down the road, so I need to do something. Go to another shop, probably. I’ve just been in full-blown flight from the realities of my life. I’ve been diving into alcohol and other substances, I’ve been plunging into books and things to watch. Unconsciousness is the answer!
Except it’s not. Not really. Not long-term. I know that, but right now I’m deep into avoidance. Don’t think and don’t remember! Just survive, and eventually you’ll die, thank God!
Therapist gave me a stone to hold during the last session on Friday. Then she said I could take it away with me, and use it to remind myself that she doesn’t perceive me as evil. A primitive kind of magic, but a powerful one. I have the stone with me now. But there are so many doubts – because how can she be sure?
She’s away next week. I’m telling myself this is okay, this is fine, but it seems such a long time until I see her again. When she sent me the email telling me she was going to be away, she also let me know that she’s going to be away one Friday in late September, but on that occasion she can offer me a session on the Thursday. It freaked me out. Like – to think about September/October. And yes, I’m going to be living here, I’m going to be living here a while, and I’m going to be going to therapy, I’m going to be doing that a while too. And it made me wonder how I would be, how I would feel, what would be happening.
I am running out of things (yay, everyone breathe a sigh of relief!). Just one more – I think I may have found some voluntary work that would suit me. I’m going to talk to them on Thursday. Just that I need something, something to organise my life around. I think it would help to have some kind of regular commitment. Because at the moment I have endless empty days, and although I have many projects I want to get into, I seem to mostly be paralysed. Which really isn’t great.