A nurse suggested that I blog, so I’m being a good little patient and following her advice.
Not that I know what to say. Silence is covering me over, stilling my hands and shutting my mouth. Blankness is blanking me out. I can feel my face wears an expression of anguish. I feel trapped. The simulation keeps running and I am stuck inside it. I think the medication is making it stronger. There is no way I am taking it again. My head has been empty today. I don’t mind losing the nasty twisty voices but all the internal ones have also gone away. I have been nothing and it makes me desperate. I would rather be psychotic than this. I am jealous of those who can express their distress. My body is concrete and inside I want to rant and rave and cry and throw things, but I don’t and I don’t and I don’t. I keep wanting to ligate, I have been practising getting the ligature tight enough, but I am making myself wait until night time when I won’t be checked, when no one will notice. Because this is unbearable and has no answers.