Hospital now seems a long time ago. I’m showing no signs of being in danger of ending up back there again, so I’m taking that as a plus. Even if it’s not proving to be much like fun.
I had therapy the week before last (none this week just gone) but it wasn’t a great session and I didn’t want to write about it when I got home, so now I can’t really remember what was said. I know I clammed up, shut down, went foggy. I find it so frustrating when that happens, and I left feeling I had wasted time. I know she suggested we take a break for a couple of months, so I could get myself more settled at home. She said she knew how hard our conversations were for me, and she very much didn’t want me to end up on the ward again. She said it wasn’t that she didn’t want to see me – that she liked seeing me – but that she would be flexible about it if it would help. Eventually, after a long silence, while I figured out how to respond, I said no. I just don’t believe I would achieve that more settled, more on top of things place, however long a break I took. After all, I never have before. And it’s not as though I get a break from my own head anyway. And, of course, I just plain don’t want to deal with missing her, which I would. So my next appointment is on Friday, another 8am one.
I have a PA now. What a nightmare. The first week was just excruciating. She’s not, I don’t think, someone I’m going to connect with, and having this overly cheerful stranger in my house whose actual job is to get me in the bath and out of the house when I just want her to go away is a little difficult to adjust to. But as of next week the hours are going down, so it should be a bit more bearable. And maybe if the house never descends into total chaos, I won’t descend so far either.
That’s it. I don’t know whether this means I am bringing the blog back. I’ve been thinking about it. I miss it. I don’t know what kind of story it is telling but it is my story and I don’t see why I should be ashamed of it. My motivations are only to understand my mind and my life in the hope that that might help me change it.