I DON’T LIKE IT. I DON’T LIKE THIS PERSON IN MY HOUSE, CLEANING MY BATHROOM. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO DO THESE THINGS MYSELF.

I know I have selves who find it easy to keep the house clean, who even actively enjoy it.

Now the one I call “sanity” pops up, proposing new cooperative agreements for sharing the life.

But sanity is insane. Sanity thinks and talks as though she has DID.

Are they parts or are they just mental states? thought processes? If I am aware all the time, as I believe myself to be, why are there these blanks in my memory?  I had an occupational therapy review yesterday, I have a few flashes of what happened but they don’t feel like *mine*. Does everyone remember this way?

It’s all so hidden. I dissociate when I encounter the concept of dissociation.

But these alien consciousnesses. Those moments when I realise they each consider themselves to be as much themselves as I do.

When I was thirteen I wrote a story about a girl who invented different personalities, each with her own name and history, to pretend to be in order to get through life.

When I was seventeen I wrote a story about a future time when the population had been decimated so that multiple souls had to be incarnated into the same body.

At the time quite unconscious of my own fragmentation, struggling to control my increasingly disturbed behaviour by willpower.

Or is it all just imagination? Me, here, suddenly, now, is so sane, so balanced, so rational that I just can’t believe I am ever dysfunctional.

See how it happens? The whole thing now seems utterly bizarre.

 

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