. . .you have significant symptoms of dissociation and are likely to have a Dissociative Disorder . . .strongly suggests the presence of a Dissociative Disorder . . .consistent with a diagnosis of a Dissociative Disorder . . .

You know what I thought? I thought they’d say I was lying. I was scared of that. Then I told myself it would be a relief. So I don’t know how I feel now. Of course I have a whole thing going on about whether I might be secretly lying without being aware of it. And also a voice that keeps saying “it’s a scam”, though what that voice thinks they’re trying to sell me I’m not sure.

Anyway. The question is what to do now. Really I should discuss this with my consultant. But I’m scared. What if my consultant doesn’t believe me? And there’s a problem – I may just about be able to write about these things but talk openly about them? I have the same reaction to the word ‘dissociation’ as I do to the word ‘abuse’ – I freeze, I get waves of shame and fear, there’s no way I can actually say either of those words out loud.

Maybe I should just show my CPN the letter and see what she says? I have an appointment with her on Friday. But I don’t know. I like my CPN but she seems to very much see me as someone with psychosis, who needs medication to control the voices. I don’t know how she’d react. It would be a terrifying thing to do (aren’t I pathetic?! why can’t I just bring it up?!)

Then again *everything* I’m doing at the moment – sending those letters to my psychologist, filling in the screening instruments, emailing potential new therapists – is pretty damn terrifying, I’m almost getting used to it. And it’s making me feel pretty crazy to be tweeting and blogging about maybe having DID but to be skirting around the issue with the professionals in my life. But for as long as I’m doing that I can still change my mind, backtrack, decide I have schizoaffective disorder after all. So maybe the real question is – am I ready to give up my denial? And though I’m getting closer, I’m not sure I am yet.

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