I knew this would happen – I said to my psychologist when she asked how I would cope with my trip to visit my family, that I would be fine when I was there, the problems would start when I got back.

What I didn’t expect was to feel so physically rough. It’s as though all the alcohol I drank while I was there – and I drank alcohol every night and didn’t have a hangover once – saved itself up and ambushed me on the train home. I have been feeling headachy and sick and generally ill. I don’t think I *am* ill, I think it’s just a delayed reaction, to both the trip and the therapy session I had the day before I left, because I’ve had no time to process it while I’ve been away. Now it’s hitting me, and I’m getting flashes of memory and rushes of fear and shame. I’m half longing to see my psychologist on Thursday, and half dreading it. I have no idea what’s going to happen next.

Meanwhile I have an appointment with Dr B on Monday and I have heard from therapist number 3, who said he has discovered that his replies to queries from his website sometimes go into the junk folder, so I may not have got his original email and do I still want to pursue seeing him? Part of me is actually thinking of setting up a session with him, for reasons I can’t yet untangle. Another part of me doesn’t want to talk to anyone ever again and just wants to quietly get on with the plans she’s making for her life without having to deal with either the past or maybe having DID.

 

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