Today I went to the shop and bought food for the weekend. Lazy food. After several cups of tea, and a couple of episodes of ‘Criminal Minds’ I even put the food away. And after a bit of Twitter and a couple more episodes of ‘Criminal Minds’ and almost certainly some more tea I am going to have a shower. AND THAT’S ALL I’M GOING TO DO TODAY.
Tomorrow I have to go out in the morning to run an errand and get some more gas and then in the afternoon I am going to settle down and watch the Olympics. And that’s going to be my pattern for the next two weeks. I am going to do jobs in the mornings – I have this idea I want to make the house and garden a nice place to be, finally put up lightshades, that kind of thing – and in the afternoons I am going to watch the Olympics. AND I AM NOT GOING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT.
I have finally taken on board what the professionals in my life have been trying to tell me for a while. I have very high expectations of myself and I need to develop some self-compassion. There will time and enough for classes and courses and all those things we want to do – for now I need to SLOW DOWN. I am trying to come to terms with issues over my diagnosis, and I am in the middle of therapy. Big changes are happening in my internal world and I need to get better at accepting, communicating and cooperating with my other selves, and dealing with their various fears and paranoias, or we’ll be heading for another disaster (also known as a hospital admission). I REALLY want to avoid that, so I need to change tack now.
In other news: I failed to tell Dr B I didn’t want to see him any more, I suspect because I don’t want to let go of the space it offers me, and his gentleness; I am going to do some work with my OTA getting to know the voices/parts/presences via collage making if my psychologist okays it; and, if the funding comes through, I should be getting a new support worker, this time someone who is herself an artist, a nature-lover and a book reader.
See, plenty to be getting on with, without me needing to create some kind of busy timetable of activities I will put myself under pressure to manage, and almost certainly fail to. Gentleness is the word of the day.