Realised that I’m actually mildly angry with someone. Which is an interesting and novel feeling. Not that I know what to do about it, mind *unsure face*

Top tip: the way to keep being prescribed lorazepam is to express reluctance to use it, and concern over dependence.

CPN has been this morning. I find it so hard to first remember and then explain what is going on, we currently lack a mutual language. But she remains compassionate and kind, and that counts. Visits are going back down to fortnightly now, so I’ll see her the weeks I don’t see my psychologist.

Talking about which I seem to have come to terms with only seeing my psychologist every fortnight. I’ve realised that what happens in between the sessions is as important as what happens in them. I may not send her all the letters that get written to her but I learn a lot from them, and that’s kind of the point. This is about me (us!).

Keep thinking about something H said to me: “The last time I saw you, when we went for that walk, it was like being out with a different person.” Opening for a frank conversation right there, but I fluffed it. Maybe next time I’ll be braver.

Found a response I can genuinely give to the part/voice that repeatedly cries out “I hate myself”. I simply reply “I don’t hate you”. It may not rank particularly high in the self-compassion stakes, but it’s the best I can do right now.

Rather distracted during this morning’s meditation session due to some writing-in-the-head. But pleased that has made a reappearance. It’s been a while.

Don’t get me wrong – things are still shit a lot of the time, and the days seem simultaneously far too short and much too long – but some not-shit things seem to be happening too. This whole acceptance and working-with business may be difficult as all hell but it does seem to be a more promising direction than denial.

 

 

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