Times like this I used to hide in bed and stare at the wall, and listen to the sparrows. I can’t stare at the walls here, they’re covered in woodchip and I hate it, reminds me of my childhood bedroom in a certain era. And you don’t get enough birds to drown out all the noise from the neighbours and the people in the street. But maybe I could get myself a white duvet cover again, and wrap myself in that. The one I have is dark blue with a pattern of elephants on it, and I like it well enough but IT’S NOT WHITE and it’s just too stimulating right now. EVERYTHING is too stimulating. I can’t watch the Olympics and I’ve had to switch off the music that earlier in the week I was finding soothing as it was sounding oppressive and discordant.
I had a good day, really I did – managed bus and town with only flickering paranoia, met a friend, saw some art I liked, had an excellent conversation – so why am I such a fucking wreck now? And how did it get to be nearly ten? It was seven o’clock only a few minutes ago, I’m sure.
I ought to open the notebook I’ve started keeping and see if I can find out what’s going on. Except I already know in part what’s going on and I don’t want to explore it. It’s not just the afternoon out, it’s because money got spent this morning. I DON’T LIKE SPENDING MONEY, IT MAKES ME SICK AND ANXIOUS. No, I can’t blog about it either. Fuck, this is bad. I wasn’t going to use lorazapam today but I’m not sure I know what else to do.
It will be okay, it will be okay, it will be okay. Won’t it?
A friend pointed me in the direction of Birdsong Radio. I have birds! Almost magical calming effect (except now someone’s excited and wanting to write a letter to the psychologist about it because so much else will have happened by the time we see her this might get missed out). Don’t think I’m going to need lorazepam after all. It *will* be okay 🙂