I feel I need to settle on a language. I’ve been calling us all “selves”, and my psychologist has been following my lead. This is because I’ve always – long before I thought I might have DID -spoken about “my other selves”, and I’m more comfortable with it. I think I’m still worried about somehow claiming to have DID when I don’t, appropriating a language that isn’t mine to use. I’m uneasy talking about “switching” and I don’t know how to describe what happens when another self is – what? – “out”? I use “around” sometimes, when my psychologist asks about Sage, for instance, I’ll say “oh she’s not been around”, but it’s rather imprecise because I use it to mean times when I’m aware of Sage being, well, around, as well as times when she’s in control. Last night in a letter to our psychologist somebody described themselves as “fronting as Jane a lot of the time”, but I’m not sure whether *I* could use that. I’m worried, basically, I think, about doing this whole thing *wrong* somehow
And there’s another thing right there – I talk a lot about “somebody”. Half the time I don’t know who’s who or what’s going on, I’m still working in darkness and confusion, I’m just vaguely aware of “stuff” happening internally. But my psychologist and I were talking about “the one who wanted the marble run” and my psychologist said we should give her a name so I said I’d try to find out what she wanted to be called and now she has a name (which she quite definitely chose, it’s not a name I even like). But does giving names to the different parts of myself only increase fragmentation or is it necessary in order to find more clarity and make sense of what is happening? Again, I’m uneasy.
All this is confused further by the awareness issue. I have quite a lot of what I guess could be called co-consciousness (it’s another big bad scary DID word, so I try to avoid it) – in fact I’d *say* I was conscious/aware all the time, but then I keep finding these blanks in my memory. Or I’ll have flashes of memory but they don’t feel like “mine”/it doesn’t feel like “me”. Like I know we were in town yesterday and I have a few snapshots, but that’s all, but then I do have those snapshots, so I *do* remember, don’t I, and it’s not strictly accurate to say I don’t – and I don’t want to lie, to make stuff up, I want to tell the truth. Because I know that *somebody* is aware all the time, and that feeds into my whole “I don’t have *real* DID” thing. And if/when I’m not aware and around then where the fuck am I? Argh!
And sometimes it seems right to use “I/me” and sometimes it feels more accurate to use “we/us”, but I’m a bit self-conscious about doing it because well, that might be an affectation, like maybe I’m *pretending* to have DID. But then it feels bad inside not to use it, because it’s like I’m denying/negating the others.
I’m planning to spend some time this weekend, in between watching birdsong videos on Youtube, which is someone’s new obsession (see last post for context) trying to untangle some of this. I also want to draw a new map to show my psychologist because the one she’s gradually drawn over the weeks doesn’t have selves/parts/voices (I should just decide to call them parts, shouldn’t I?) in the right places and it’s somehow very important that they’re in the right place because they all do have places in the internal world. I don’t know why or how much sense that makes, but there it is.