My day started with a joint visit from my CPN and the Crisis Team (yes, go me, I’m under the Crisis Team again, doing *so* dam well), and was then slightly derailed by a call from P, who runs the social care company, who asked if she could drop by and gave me a bit of a pep talk (you’ve got to hold onto hope! you’ve got to keep trying! everything that involves change is going to be difficult to start with!) until I gave in and agreed to another appointment with my PAL (ick!). She did take me to the shop in her car though, so at least I have some food in now. Then I climbed into the dizzy heights of paranoia, anxiety, self hatred and shame until I was thoroughly incapacitated, and quite frankly, worried about how I was going to navigate the journey to therapy. But then the phone rang and it was my psychologist’s secretary – and after my initial panic (she’s sick! she’s dead! she’s left her job!) I understood that she was offering to give me a slightly later appointment at the hospital, which meant I could walk there. *Much* easier. The relief actually made me smile, which has been a rare thing lately.

My psychologist managed to make me smile a bit too. She has a gift for that. I can’t really say much about the appointment, it’s all a bit of a haze. We talked a bit about the shame and self hatred and how I am spending my days – longing for bedtime mostly. Turns out ‘Black Books’ is one of her favourite programmes too – I always knew she was a good ‘un. And perhaps the most significant news – she said she is in no hurry to discharge me and we would review things in six months, and when she said review things she didn’t mean she’d discharge me then either, just that we’d assess where we were and whether it was helping. So I feel slightly better for that. Feel slightly better for the appointment in general. She talked about how all voices/parts/selves were important but that just as we mustn’t ignore “I hate myself” and “I’m evil” – which is where I’ve been stuck recently – we mustn’t forget the other parts that don’t think/believe those things, that have friends and like books and make art and are interested in archaeology etc.

Next appointment is at the hospital too. At 8am. Which actually suits me pretty well, because I just get up and go – none of this hanging round all day getting more and more anxious. Waiting until four today nearly killed me.

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