I’m having some trouble organising myself. My thoughts are falling apart.It’s hard to initiate action. This morning I kept getting up from the sofa with the intention of doing one of the many things that needed doing – and then stopping, sticking, blanking out, finding myself sitting back down again. I thought it was going to another useless day.
I don’t know exactly what this is – it’s certainly tempting to call it laziness, or lack of self-discipline, or failure of willpower, but it feels more as though something in my brain isn’t working properly. I wanted to shake myself, but the shaking too gets lost as I lose myself, gets swallowed up in blankness.
My PAL (it stands for Peer and Ally in Living, but it makes me ick every time I use it so I’m going to call her C) was due to come, but I sent a text telling her not to. I’d wanted to tidy the house before she came, you see, and I hadn’t been able to. And I don’t know her very well yet and just didn’t feel I could cope with being around anyone.
We exchanged several texts and eventually she persuaded me to let her visit. And I’m glad I did, I think. Because now I have electricity, and food (though I did nearly have a meltdown when she tried to helpfully suggest food I could eat and I couldn’t think, and I couldn’t think – I ended up with my old staples, chocolate soya milk and oatcakes, which is all I could imagine managing). And the living room is tidy enough for me not to be horrifically ashamed when this doctor from the Crisis Team comes tomorrow. And I’ve had a bath and put on some washing, and things feel a little bit clearer in my head. I’m very aware there are plenty of undercurrents of edginess and anxiety, but I found myself putting on some music and getting out some artwork – and this morning that would have just been beyond me, because doing anything seemed to be beyond me.
So maybe C is another piece of the puzzle. Maybe this time the whole social care thing (much as I hate myself for needing it) is actually going to work for me? And I have a new consultant too, a woman who my CPN rates highly – she says she’s lovely and creative and willing to experiment – and who I’ve heard good things about from another source too. (It wasn’t that I particularly had a bad experience with my last consultant, but I didn’t have a good experience either, and when my CPN wanted to book an emergency appointment with him last week I realised that I just had no desire to see him, so she suggested that I change. It sounds like it might have been the right decision). And my OTA is back from holiday and sick leave so I see her next week, which I’m looking forwards to.
I’ve also booked onto an art course starting in September – just *one*. I don’t know what I think about that, I don’t know whether I’ll manage it – but I have selves that can and want to, and I just hope I can get out of their way and let them without too much fallout. The same goes for the holiday, I’m deliberately not thinking about it yet, because I know I’ll decide that I can’t possibly cope. But some of the others can – it’s their holiday, after all, so maybe they’ll come back in time? My CPN thinks a change in medication will help. I’m not so sure about that, but agree with her that if I end up not going there will be a lot of shame and self-hatred and a great sense of failure, so I’ve decided to wait and see what happens rather than panic about it now.
So I guess I’m fumbling towards a future again, rather than seeing absolutely nothing but bleakness and difficulty ahead of me. It’s hard, and it never seems to stop being hard, and sometimes that gets me down, but I have about as much support as anyone could hope for. Sometimes I get paranoid about that and feel it isn’t fair and that I don’t deserve it, but perhaps the only answer to that feeling is to be sure to try my best and make the most of it?
(I don’t like this post! I don’t like the way it finishes, it annoys me, I have something else entirely I want to say, but I can’t articulate it right now)