Things are making sense now. And not making sense at all. At the same time.

I have DID. Fuck I have DID. I mean, I fucking DO. Of COURSE I fucking do. How did I ever think I didn’t? It all fits! And nothing fits! But that’s exactly why it fits! Fuck!

I’m not making sense, am I?

It’s just that here I am, so immensely familiar to myself and so immensely strange to the others. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DESCRIBE IT. Why am I even driven to try? Because that’s what I do.

It’s just that here I am feeling I need “to make up for lost time”, looking at archaeology degrees, reading about prehistoric rock art, trying to ignore the dawning realisation that this life isn’t entirely mine. How can I not have known that?! I must have been wilfully blind!

Because either I have DID or I have some kind of ultra ultra ultra rapid cycling bipolar disorder, because how can I have been – except that wasn’t me, was it, yesterday morning, curled on the sofa? Oh this is weird. SO DAMN WEIRD I TELL YOU.

I can cope with that holiday. Of course I can cope with that holiday. I’m excited about it! I’m looking forwards to it! I shall love debating with people all the different theories about cave art!

And Jane’s in the background trying to do her balancing thing, trying to remember,  trying to hold things in consciousness, trying to communicate and negotiate and share. And now my mind feels like it’s falling apart again –

FUCK FUCK FUCK is all I have to say right now. I really really hope I get a chance to talk to Sarah!

 

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