I remember a conversation from therapy. I was saying that I didn’t feel in control. She asked did I need to be in control all the time, if new agreements and negotiations between selves could be made?

All I can say is that those agreements and negotiations need to be made SOON because things are seriously out of control right now. They are fucked up in so many ways that I don’t even know what to say.

Someone started signing up for dating sites. Or rather, I should say, they reactivated their profiles. Because this is not new behaviour, this is periodic behaviour. It happens.

They’re talking to a range of people – from M in Sheffield who actually seems like he could become a friend, to R who wants to take them to Skegness on the back of his scooter, to P who has already declared he wants them to be the special woman he has been looking for all his life (ha, he doesn’t have a clue how special!) to the young lad that they wowed and overwhelmed with detailed descriptions of the adventurous sex life we could have last night. All these are problems that need to be dealt with, it’s totally not fair on these men, it’s getting us tangled up. But that’s one thing.

Inviting strangers round to the house for sex is quite another thing and it is not okay on ANY level. It HAS to stop. The level of distress afterwards was extreme, and my lorazepam stock is now running low. I HAVE TO GET BACK IN CONTROL.

Excuses? How can I not be in control? Just get back in control! Just take charge of your own behaviour! I wish it were that easy. Why isn’t it that easy?

(Me? I’m looking at the sites too, but I’m looking at the women. Yay for my uncomplicated life!)