from professionals who are doing their best to get it, bless their hearts, but don’t really get it, and expect me to be able to explain it to them in a nice, simple, easy-to-understand way, whilst I’m in the middle of what I would call rapid switching if I dared to claim DID language for myself – which I don’t, obviously, because I don’t, obviously, have DID etcetera etcetera

Difficult day yesterday. Difficult day today. Memory is fragmentary and what I have feels foreign.

They want clarity. I have none to offer them. I’m going to need to find some way of simultaneously educating both myself and them.

Who am I? Well, I’m *this* voice/self, writing now. I’m definitely not the same as the voice/self that says (over and over) I HATE MYSELF AND WANT TO DIE, nor the voice/self that had a conversation with my father about the Italian invasion of Abyssinia while yet another voice/self kept whispering “why?”. But I might be the same as voices that have written here before, or have tweeted, I’m not really sure. I exist moment to moment and trying to form my experience into patterns that can be identified with names is challenging. I have a basic lack of coherence over time (except, of course, for the times when I know exactly who I am, and always have been)

“I don’t want to be Jane. I HATE Jane.” said somebody today, but who that was I couldn’t tell you. And of course the professionals want answers, they want to know who they’re talking to, they expect there to be clear demarcations, definitions. So they can recognise that sometimes “I” wear make up and am “different”. But not that a lot of the time it’s all much more hidden than that. And hidden not only from them, but from me.

 

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