I write to keep some kind of record, and to seek clarity. I have been sometimes coherent, sometimes a mess, sometimes paranoid, sometimes confident, sometimes ecstatic, sometimes depressed. The most stable and consistent thing in my world is my instability and inconsistency.

This morning I lay in bed reflecting on a quotation I once came across about bearing serenely the trial of being displeasing to yourself. (Quick google tells me it’s by St Therese of Lisieux). Because some of my recent actions displease me greatly, and I need to work out ways of managing myself that avoid them. Because I went home on Monday and didn’t come back to the ward when I was meant to. So now I have no leave. Can’t go out for a walk, can’t go to the shop, can’t see my CPN. AND IT’S ALL MY OWN FAULT SO I CAN’T WHINE ABOUT IT. And I have a post to write at some point about the PD diagnosis that may be rather challenging both to write and to read. Because yeah, I have thoughts that aren’t entirely charitable and compassionate (I’m not a saint. Gosh, who’d a thunk?) about both my own behaviour and the behaviour of others.

Then I had a keyworker session. C said she didn’t know why diagnosis hadn’t been discussed at my review, maybe the doctors here hadn’t read through my notes properly, but she would make sure it was discussed at the next one, which will hopefully be on Friday. I said I might not be able to discuss it. She said that was okay, but she felt that it was important that I knew that there was some understanding of what was going on for me, because she could understand how the last review had added to my self doubt and confusion.

She said she had to tell me she had no personal experience of working with DID, though obviously she had learned about it. My psychologist has apparently offered to talk to her about it, and she said she would be taking up that offer. She said that it was probably true of the team in general – the diagnosis was not really something they often encountered.

I was called for tea in the middle of writing this post and now I’ve lost my flow, so I’m sorry – that’s all you’re getting! I have been a coherent self too long today, and now I am exhausted and need to fall apart a little.

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