If I had the energy I’d be annoyed with myself.

But I’m not sure I even have the energy to write.

I can’t seem to be anything other than what I am at any given moment, and today I was heavy and low, blank and slow.

I had zopiclone the night before last and still pinged awake after less than three hours, ready for anything. I had it last night, slept right through, went back to sleep this morning, dozed off again this afternoon and still feel groggy and sedated. Go figure.

I had a review. And I failed. Failed to present as articulate and well, which I’m aware I was doing yesterday with my OT. Failed to raise the issue of diagnosis. Failed to argue my case for release. I just shut down and stared into space and gave the briefest of possible answers. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO STOP IT!

The consultant is increasing my depakote back up to the dose I was on before I landed myself in hospital (it had to be reintroduced because I didn’t have any for five days while I was in the medical ward). And I have unescorted grounds leave.

That’s it. What a waste of anxiety! Either she’s not reading my notes or she’s waiting for me to say something. And since I’m currently thoroughly mired in denial and depression it’s just not something I seem able to do.

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