I didn’t really participate in today’s session. Not that she noticed. Or she noticed but was content to leave it unspoken of. And doesn’t that just remind me of certain dynamics in my family. She knows, and I know she knows, but we have reached a silent agreement not to talk about it.( YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN BRAVER, YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN STRONGER, YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING.) But my psychologist has become someone else I have to be okay for. Because if I show any hint of not being so she suggests we stop. It’s now clear to me that the territory she’s comfortable on is basic life coaching and self-soothing strategies. She doesn’t really want to deal with anything difficult, and that includes our relationship. (YOU’RE BEING UNFAIR, YOU’RE NOT GIVING HER A CHANCE, YOU DIDN’T EVEN TRY). But it’s hard for me (EXCUSES, EXCUSES) and she offers me no openings to discuss what’s actually going on for me. Parts are not feeling welcome in sessions at all. Today she ignored the mixture of sadness and anger she must surely have picked up on (PASSIVE AGGRESSION. ATTEMPTS TO MANIPULATE HER) and seemed happy to talk about packing systems and time management and self compassion. I wanted to say to her “I don’t need this from you” – but I didn’t (BECAUSE YOU’RE PATHETIC) because I’m terribly afraid she can’t give me what I do need. Walking home, though, I confronted that reality, and came to the conclusion that I’d be okay, I’d live. Now I just need to decide whether to make a last ditch attempt to reach out to her, or to call it quits and start thinking about possible alternatives.

Or am I totally over reacting and being a fool? Am I just running away when things get tough? Will it ultimately be the same with any therapist, because the problem is in me?

 

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